Please stop criticizing and belittling yourself. There are times in life when you just need to survive. Sometimes making it all the way through a single day is a victory. Give yourself some credit. You are still on your feet. You are still here. Despite all that you've faced you've made it through each day. If others really knew what you were going through, they'd be amazed that you are doing as great as you are. Keep moving forward and keep your chin up because one of these days you are going to understand the purpose behind all this difficulty. Who knows, the miracle you need may be just around the corner.